I am writing this article in the hope of finding inner peace and self-reflection. Writing is therapeutic. At the moment, it helps me focus, gather my chaotic thoughts and ideas, and search my soul for answers to life's questions. It offers a solution to the issues that trouble me, disrupt my sleep, and rob me of peace.
Today, I lost my inner peace because it was the last day of my trip back home to Hong Kong, a place I hadn't visited for almost two years. Due to the COVID-19 situation and various government policies, I had been unable to travel freely. I stayed in Singapore, just 4 hours away by flight from my family and girlfriend, whom I hadn't seen for so long. Although I should have felt excited about being back in Hong Kong, I felt inexplicably frustrated, sad, and lost.
I should be grateful that my family is still here and my girlfriend is safe and communicates with me. However, Hong Kong has changed, and not for the better. I don't want to delve into politics, but this external change partly explains my sadness. Yet, the root cause of my emotional turmoil lies within me. I am disappointed in myself for not meeting certain expectations. Life would be simple if I were just living for myself; quarantining in a hotel for a week, away from work and others, brings me peace.
Reality, however, is unavoidable. I can't forever escape the relationships that demand my attention. Whether it's family, my girlfriend, colleagues, or friends, I have been using the pandemic as an excuse to avoid facing these responsibilities. Now that I am back home, I can no longer maintain my emotional distance, and this disrupts my inner peace.
Firstly, my family is wonderful, and it's good to be back. However, my parents are aging and heading towards retirement. I must find the courage to confront these facts. Health and financial challenges are inevitable, and I must prepare to take care of them. Though they are in Hong Kong and I'm four hours away in Singapore, it's manageable — despite the inconvenient travel restrictions.
Secondly, my girlfriend wants to get married but doesn't wish to leave Hong Kong, as her aging mother is there. We are limited by our differing perspectives, which is frustrating for me. I believe it's essential to consider emigration, especially from a political standpoint. Yet, she remains unconvinced, and I can't change her mind if she's unwilling to change her own.
Thirdly, I am dissatisfied with my own life. I'm unhappy about aging and losing hair, as well as not achieving traditional markers of success. I understand I shouldn't compare myself to others, but the societal pressures are difficult to resist, especially when old friends and classmates seem to be doing better according to Asian societal norms.
In summary, I feel like I have not reached my full potential, and this bothers me deeply. I am struggling to find inner peace, and it may be time to pause and meditate to understand myself better.